Growing from abuse
Two years ago I had very long, strong, beautiful hair. However every time I looked in the mirror, I could not stand the women looking back. Two years ago I was becoming very sick again. Two years ago I had to beg for help from my family who hated the fact that I was talking with my now deceased mother. Two years ago I was in an extremely abusive relationship, but at that time I had no idea how it had effected me so much. I was not my true self. I had allowed negativity into my heart and eat away at my days. I was always in a fight with either my sister, dad, or now ex boyfriend, and I could not understand why this was happening.
Now two years later I am able to reflect and understand what was happening during that time.
It began three years ago. I was losing my mother to cancer, and I was the only person in the family that would talk to her. Everyone else could not move on from the past she had created. They hated her and could not wait for her death so they could collect money. When my family found out I was still in contact with her they cut me out and refused to listen to what I had to say. The only time they would call me was to ask about the money that was soon to be given out. Feeling isolated and very alone during this hard time I feel in love with my ex boyfriend. I had known him for a few years, but never knew his true colors. He came into my life during a very hard time and swept me off my feet. He was so kind, helpful, and loving that within the first three months of dating I thought he was the one for me. So I let him move in with me after my mother passed on.
Then the little annoyance started with him. They quickly turned into bigger issues. By the end of every week we were fighting. He would tell me that it was my fault because I was still grieving over my mothers death. I listened to him. I did my best to use my words and explain to him why leaving dirty dishes, laundry on the floor, and many other things around the house would upset me. He did not care. When I told him to leave he threatened suicide. Of course I believed him and took him back.
A year went on like this, and during that year my heart health was declining again. I was unable to care for my boyfriend the way he needed and keep my two stressful jobs. I asked my father if I could temporarily move back in with him. He was hesitant about it, but soon agreed to it. My boyfriend did not like this idea. He made very valid points on why I should not be living with my family and that I should move into his parents house. I protested, but then one day he moved my cat into his parents house. I followed soon after.
About two more years were spent with him living in his parents house. I was slowly cutting my father and sister out of my life, and the abuse I was dealing with became more and more extreme. I soon found myself without my friends and without the one thing that truly makes me happy. My sense of self was destroyed. Once I realized that I had allowed myself to become so bitter I needed to change.
Before my fifth heart surgery I saw a therapist. I opened up to her right away and it was easy to do. She told me that I am a very strong, clever young women and once I heal from the surgery many things would change. She was right.
During my recovery my boyfriend told me that I had many personality disorders, narcissism being the top one, and that I was extremely codependent. He was the first person to have ever say these things to me, so I had an issue with this. I physically relied on many people for help due to just having heart surgery, but I could not believe that I was that bad. So I went looking for help.
I could not afford a therapist at the time, so I reached out online. I found someone who specializes in situations like this, so she worked with me for free online. It was just enough help to make me open my eyes and see the gas-lighting that had been going on for years. I was also able to face my family problems and find my confidence again. Once I started healing and working on myself that's when the relationship went south at an alarming rate. He finally broke up with me, but we were still living together. He did his best to hang around and control me but was quickly losing power. He abruptly left one day, and I had not seen him for awhile after that. I finally found my peace and the strength that I thought I had lost.
One night, when trying to brush out my long hair I adored so much, I could not shake the feeling for change. Although I love my hair, it just was reminding me of what I had recently gone through. So I took scissors and cut all of it off. It felt liberating.
~ Side Note ~
This blog is not meant to put anyone down, or bring harm to anyone in anyway. I have had a very challenging time and I believe that writing it out and sharing what I have been able to do will help me heal more. If you know these people please do not confront them in anyway at all. I do not hold anger towards them, and I want them to live their life as is without me in it. So please let them live.
This blog was inspired by a photo I took two years ago of my long hair, and I do miss it very much.
Now two years later I am able to reflect and understand what was happening during that time.
It began three years ago. I was losing my mother to cancer, and I was the only person in the family that would talk to her. Everyone else could not move on from the past she had created. They hated her and could not wait for her death so they could collect money. When my family found out I was still in contact with her they cut me out and refused to listen to what I had to say. The only time they would call me was to ask about the money that was soon to be given out. Feeling isolated and very alone during this hard time I feel in love with my ex boyfriend. I had known him for a few years, but never knew his true colors. He came into my life during a very hard time and swept me off my feet. He was so kind, helpful, and loving that within the first three months of dating I thought he was the one for me. So I let him move in with me after my mother passed on.
Then the little annoyance started with him. They quickly turned into bigger issues. By the end of every week we were fighting. He would tell me that it was my fault because I was still grieving over my mothers death. I listened to him. I did my best to use my words and explain to him why leaving dirty dishes, laundry on the floor, and many other things around the house would upset me. He did not care. When I told him to leave he threatened suicide. Of course I believed him and took him back.
A year went on like this, and during that year my heart health was declining again. I was unable to care for my boyfriend the way he needed and keep my two stressful jobs. I asked my father if I could temporarily move back in with him. He was hesitant about it, but soon agreed to it. My boyfriend did not like this idea. He made very valid points on why I should not be living with my family and that I should move into his parents house. I protested, but then one day he moved my cat into his parents house. I followed soon after.
About two more years were spent with him living in his parents house. I was slowly cutting my father and sister out of my life, and the abuse I was dealing with became more and more extreme. I soon found myself without my friends and without the one thing that truly makes me happy. My sense of self was destroyed. Once I realized that I had allowed myself to become so bitter I needed to change.
Before my fifth heart surgery I saw a therapist. I opened up to her right away and it was easy to do. She told me that I am a very strong, clever young women and once I heal from the surgery many things would change. She was right.
During my recovery my boyfriend told me that I had many personality disorders, narcissism being the top one, and that I was extremely codependent. He was the first person to have ever say these things to me, so I had an issue with this. I physically relied on many people for help due to just having heart surgery, but I could not believe that I was that bad. So I went looking for help.
I could not afford a therapist at the time, so I reached out online. I found someone who specializes in situations like this, so she worked with me for free online. It was just enough help to make me open my eyes and see the gas-lighting that had been going on for years. I was also able to face my family problems and find my confidence again. Once I started healing and working on myself that's when the relationship went south at an alarming rate. He finally broke up with me, but we were still living together. He did his best to hang around and control me but was quickly losing power. He abruptly left one day, and I had not seen him for awhile after that. I finally found my peace and the strength that I thought I had lost.
One night, when trying to brush out my long hair I adored so much, I could not shake the feeling for change. Although I love my hair, it just was reminding me of what I had recently gone through. So I took scissors and cut all of it off. It felt liberating.
~ Side Note ~
This blog is not meant to put anyone down, or bring harm to anyone in anyway. I have had a very challenging time and I believe that writing it out and sharing what I have been able to do will help me heal more. If you know these people please do not confront them in anyway at all. I do not hold anger towards them, and I want them to live their life as is without me in it. So please let them live.
This blog was inspired by a photo I took two years ago of my long hair, and I do miss it very much.
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